Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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