I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
