Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
