come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
