You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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