I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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