our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
