Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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