I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
