I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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