Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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