smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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