I swear god or herbie drove my car home
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize