sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
