my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
