She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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