hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
