I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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