This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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