I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
