My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
