i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
