Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
