So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
