I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
