Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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