I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize