Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
do nipples grow back?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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