Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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