You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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