I have demons in me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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