i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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