i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
