My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
is it fun? or sober?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
