i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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