dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
