the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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