apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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