rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
