Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
