one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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