Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
