Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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