I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she looked like the before picture.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
