I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
