I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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