Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize