she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
