***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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