I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize