Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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