the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
ttyl tear gas
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
