so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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