Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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