I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize