So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
