I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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