Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
