Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
