I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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