I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I puked a lego.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
porn star boner night. come get it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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