I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
