No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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