I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
