Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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