I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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